Fit Shaming. Fat Shaming. Fashion Shaming. If someone is doing anything these days, someone is going to shame it.
A woman decides to improve her health and has the nerve to post about it on social media. She can expect responses that range from support to jealousy to scolding. It's demoralizing.
Shame is the worst feeling ever -- a sinking, trapped, helpless, embarrassed, destructive sensation. It's particularly devastating to women who thrive on the community and support of other women.
You would think that humans would figure out how to avoid spreading shame or absorbing it. Since no one likes to feel shame, why would anyone pass it along?
get off the wheel of shame
Unfortunately humans seem to have a vengeful motive for keeping the wheel of shame spinning. Like Russian roulette, there is a thrill in dodging the bullet. But when you look at the destructive effects of shame, there is no useful purpose in shame. So why do people keep spinning the wheel round and round?
I believe the answer lies in unresolved insecurity. If someone shows a shining example and you feel less than, there is a tendency to tear down that superior person so you feel less inferior. But it doesn't work. It just makes both of you more miserable.
shame starts young
I learned about this behavior really early. I was 9 years old and was friends with a girl that I thought was fun to play with. I didn't think too much about what she looked like or what I looked like. If you asked me to describe her back then I would've said something general like "she has dark curly hair and freckles, and we like watching Jem after school."
One day, as we played My Little Ponies, she took a sip of a diet cola and said something that had never crossed my mind. "I wish I were skinny like you."
Her body type had never come to my attention until that moment. Frankly, I hadn’t even thought about my own body either. She continued to ask what I ate. I had never thought about it before. Then she got frustrated and I felt helpless.
Her mom had put her on a diet and gave her diet soda because it said “diet” on the can, so it must work, right? Maybe she was getting teased at school without my knowledge. The shaming had been coming at her from multiple sources. When you are attacked, it’s only natural to lash out in self-defense.
Even if it means lashing out at friends.
Without warning, my friend started snubbing me at school. It wasn’t until I moved away 2 years later that she wrote me a letter saying she missed me. I didn’t understand why she acted that way when I was 10 years old. But now I can piece together the reasons.
I wish I could go back and reassure her that she is loved and valued unconditionally. All I can do now is pass that message on to you today and hope you spread it to others.
Criticism is an automatic cycle. If you receive destructive comments, you will probably pass them along to get relief. But passing on destruction just creates more devastation.
Because deep down people can't accept these negative comments and try to pass them off to someone else. It's better to transform that negativity as soon as it lands on you. When you become aware of it, then you can stop it. Immediately.
Then next time you hear shaming in the media or in your own circle of friends, be the one who brings awareness to it. Stop criticizing people, even strangers, on social media. Stand up for people who are getting shamed for their photos or comments.
The shame culture has continued to get worse, and all these bad habits of comparing and commenting on bodies is ingrained in the culture. I know others are writing about this problem. It's not a new thing. But it is a problem that deserves to be discussed until it's resolved.
There's a reason we call revolutions "movements"
Words have power to promote change. But action is more effective. Movement is more than just getting from one place to another. Movement is a form of empowerment. When you move your body you satisfy the stress hormones floating around inside you. You give your feelings purpose and a plan of action. Movement is symbolic this way.
I've been teaching fitness classes forever. I hear a lot of shame-talk even in group exercise environments. Women especially tend to apologize for their abilities, shortcomings, and setbacks.
Some women tear themselves down for gaining weight or feeling clumsy in choreographed aerobics classes. Others judge people for what they wear to class, how their hair and make-up look, how stupid wearing make-up is, etc. There's no way to win.
Instead of getting mad and shaming people to stop criticizing others, I offer another way to look at the problem. Exercising can get you off the shame wheel and channel your energy into greater purposes.
Wait, what? Exercising helps psychology? Yup.
5 ways movement & exercise conquer shame
1. Satisfies your "flight or fight" instinct
2. Changes your brain chemistry with a healthy rush of endorphins
3. Creating a physical change is closely linked with symbolic change in other areas of your life
4. Finding your tribe of supportive people is easier when you move together
5. It's easier to feel accomplished when you feel it in your entire body
The feeling of your heart pounding, the sweat rolling down your face, the shaking in your muscles can leave you feeling like Wonder Woman.
I’m not going to pretend that I always feel powerful from a workout. After losing my ability to dance for a couple of years, when I returned to dancing I was filled with shame.
Even though I was physically healed enough to dance, I was psyched out. Each time I tried to do the simplest dance drills I would freeze and feel a tight fear gripping my lungs. I watched the clumsy movements in the mirror and ended up changing my workout to a basic weight-lifting session. I couldn’t bear to see my reflection dancing so clumsily.
I look back on that shameful time and roll my eyes a little bit. For one thing, why was I looking in a mirror to dance? And another thing: I don’t know why I thought I would retain all my dance skill after surviving major surgery. But I have VERY high standards for myself!
My advice to you is to remove things that make you feel judged. In my case, it was a mirror. What is one thing you can do to start moving without feeling embarrassed?
It wasn’t until I started replacing the shaming thoughts inside my own head with realistic encouragement that my mind started healing. The point is that movement was the way through the problem.
If you keep holding back from dancing or exercising until you are good enough or you are sure that no one will judge you, you are wasting your time. You will always stay stuck. Your mind will imprison you with worries, sad memories, and shame.
The way through is to embrace the movement. You are more literal than you think. If you move, dance, or exercise you will change physically and psychologically.
Be brave enough to look clumsy.
Be bold enough to move through stiffness.
Be encouraging enough to let yourself practice long enough to improve.
Post your comments below, stating one thing you can do to remove judgment from your exercise routine.